Our Scars Will Never Heal

There I was, sitting in the doctors office. Face bruised, the sickening smell of burnt flesh and hair combined with spilled gasoline and alcohol quivering from my very breath. Shards of glass fell out of my hair. My jaw left hurting. The blood gushed from my left bicep from a gash and a superficial burn.

My mind kept rewinding the incident. I keep thinking of my 4 month old car flipped x3 on its hood. Totaled. Driver side door crashed through.

How the hell did I get out of that car? The last thing I remember was the first of many rumbustious flips. 

How the fuck am I alive?

"Do you think you need help?" the doctor asks.

My eyes filled with tears as I broke down. Tears streamed down my face as I look vulnerably at my mother. My sweet, innocent mother, who's only mission in life was to make me happy. I tried to stay "strong."

I tried to stay manly.

I am a disgrace.

"Do you want me to leave the room?" She asks

I nod yes....and the door closes. I lose all composure. I never cried so hard.

Flash forward two months later.

Sitting in a small clearing in the woods. Multiple empty containers of white pills clenched to my left palm. The nauseating taste of broken chalky dust dries my mouth. Gin seeps through my sweat glands. Phone clenched in my right hand. Tears flow down my eyes, I can't catch my breath.

Somebody save me.

Phone calls come in quickly. Screen is shattered into a million pieces and I cannot make out who it is. Headlights flying down the street parking in the my driveway.

I am found. The bottles are ripped from my body. I start sprinting. Barefoot and rocks flying out from under the soles of my feet and tear the skin. I stop, I can die now.

I lay on the dew covered grass on that warm summer night....

What the fuck am I doing?

I break down....I give in. I must get to the hospital.

Charcoal never tasted so good.

I black out right as I see the silhouette of my brother standing over me.

"Everything will be okay man."- He says as a straight shadow.

Awoken in the middle of the night by a terrible smell. Wetness in pants. I literally just defected myself.

My mother sitting the by my side jumps up as the nurse politely says, "No problem lets get you changed."

EKG stickers tagged all on my chest. IV extensively tapped down to my extensively hairy arms.

I lay there vulnerably.

An 18 year-old valedictorian. About to be set free into the land of Ohio State. I had my whole life in front of me. But I know, at that time, there was no turning back.

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And here I am today. Ready to take on the world. With the help of my family, friends, and mentors.

.....