Life

Pre-living:
He searches for the answer at the bottom of the bottle. It lost taste hours ago. The last bitter sip makes his face cringe. Lo and behold, there is no message in this one. The emptiness resembles the internalized  feeling. Self monologue repeats in his cynical mind.  Constantly checking his watch, damn, time to go.

Walking home alone with the street lights blaring down. Passing parties where he hears laughter interwoven in the drunk college kids singing to an acoustic guitar. He feels a piece of himself eating away at his sanity. Clinches his phone hoping to be surprised by an unfamiliar vibration. It never comes.

Unlocks his door to an apartment, emptiness. He rips off the shirt and throws it forcefully to the ground, frustration. He ruffles his hair, hopelessness. He stares at his shattered soul in the mirror, resentfulness.

His blood shot eyes, magnified under the liquid tears, stare back at him. Running water splashes on his calloused hands. Just breathe. He throws the water upon his battered face. Criticizes himself.

Sits with the artificial light illuminating the dark room. Memories flow into his mind. Every instance where he messed up. Every time the world spit him out. Every chance he had that he threw away.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Living:
The cool, bubbliness of the liquid tickles his throat. It inspires his taste buds. The sips flow down magically. The warmth of the fire pits blares on his exposed skin. He smiles and doesn't even know why. Caught up in conversations about nothingness he loses track of time. n. He is tapped on the shoulder. Time to go.

Inhaling fully, the fresh air is a blessing to his lungs. The joyful chatter rings in his ear drums as he bobs his head to the beat. Taps his foot in unrhythmically. He doesn't care. The breeze of the chilled summer air flows on top of his buzzed head. He smiles. The walk is interlaced with life long friends and the new found people in his life.

They stumble through the door, joyfulness. Rips of his shirt, eagerness. Runs his hand over his head, enlightenment. He takes a glance at himself in the mirror, humbly laughs.

Crows feet wrinkles fill his hearty smile. The running water reminds him of the flow of life. The splash of cool water makes him feel alive. A deep breathe. Nods in acceptance.

All lights are on, the room is filled with conversations. Memories of the good adventures return. Every instance they laughed. Every time they won. Every chance that was never regretted. Even the bad memories are spoken of highly.

"This is living, really living life."

Our Scars Will Never Heal

There I was, sitting in the doctors office. Face bruised, the sickening smell of burnt flesh and hair combined with spilled gasoline and alcohol quivering from my very breath. Shards of glass fell out of my hair. My jaw left hurting. The blood gushed from my left bicep from a gash and a superficial burn.

My mind kept rewinding the incident. I keep thinking of my 4 month old car flipped x3 on its hood. Totaled. Driver side door crashed through.

How the hell did I get out of that car? The last thing I remember was the first of many rumbustious flips. 

How the fuck am I alive?

"Do you think you need help?" the doctor asks.

My eyes filled with tears as I broke down. Tears streamed down my face as I look vulnerably at my mother. My sweet, innocent mother, who's only mission in life was to make me happy. I tried to stay "strong."

I tried to stay manly.

I am a disgrace.

"Do you want me to leave the room?" She asks

I nod yes....and the door closes. I lose all composure. I never cried so hard.

Flash forward two months later.

Sitting in a small clearing in the woods. Multiple empty containers of white pills clenched to my left palm. The nauseating taste of broken chalky dust dries my mouth. Gin seeps through my sweat glands. Phone clenched in my right hand. Tears flow down my eyes, I can't catch my breath.

Somebody save me.

Phone calls come in quickly. Screen is shattered into a million pieces and I cannot make out who it is. Headlights flying down the street parking in the my driveway.

I am found. The bottles are ripped from my body. I start sprinting. Barefoot and rocks flying out from under the soles of my feet and tear the skin. I stop, I can die now.

I lay on the dew covered grass on that warm summer night....

What the fuck am I doing?

I break down....I give in. I must get to the hospital.

Charcoal never tasted so good.

I black out right as I see the silhouette of my brother standing over me.

"Everything will be okay man."- He says as a straight shadow.

Awoken in the middle of the night by a terrible smell. Wetness in pants. I literally just defected myself.

My mother sitting the by my side jumps up as the nurse politely says, "No problem lets get you changed."

EKG stickers tagged all on my chest. IV extensively tapped down to my extensively hairy arms.

I lay there vulnerably.

An 18 year-old valedictorian. About to be set free into the land of Ohio State. I had my whole life in front of me. But I know, at that time, there was no turning back.

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And here I am today. Ready to take on the world. With the help of my family, friends, and mentors.

.....