Life

Pre-living:
He searches for the answer at the bottom of the bottle. It lost taste hours ago. The last bitter sip makes his face cringe. Lo and behold, there is no message in this one. The emptiness resembles the internalized  feeling. Self monologue repeats in his cynical mind.  Constantly checking his watch, damn, time to go.

Walking home alone with the street lights blaring down. Passing parties where he hears laughter interwoven in the drunk college kids singing to an acoustic guitar. He feels a piece of himself eating away at his sanity. Clinches his phone hoping to be surprised by an unfamiliar vibration. It never comes.

Unlocks his door to an apartment, emptiness. He rips off the shirt and throws it forcefully to the ground, frustration. He ruffles his hair, hopelessness. He stares at his shattered soul in the mirror, resentfulness.

His blood shot eyes, magnified under the liquid tears, stare back at him. Running water splashes on his calloused hands. Just breathe. He throws the water upon his battered face. Criticizes himself.

Sits with the artificial light illuminating the dark room. Memories flow into his mind. Every instance where he messed up. Every time the world spit him out. Every chance he had that he threw away.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Living:
The cool, bubbliness of the liquid tickles his throat. It inspires his taste buds. The sips flow down magically. The warmth of the fire pits blares on his exposed skin. He smiles and doesn't even know why. Caught up in conversations about nothingness he loses track of time. n. He is tapped on the shoulder. Time to go.

Inhaling fully, the fresh air is a blessing to his lungs. The joyful chatter rings in his ear drums as he bobs his head to the beat. Taps his foot in unrhythmically. He doesn't care. The breeze of the chilled summer air flows on top of his buzzed head. He smiles. The walk is interlaced with life long friends and the new found people in his life.

They stumble through the door, joyfulness. Rips of his shirt, eagerness. Runs his hand over his head, enlightenment. He takes a glance at himself in the mirror, humbly laughs.

Crows feet wrinkles fill his hearty smile. The running water reminds him of the flow of life. The splash of cool water makes him feel alive. A deep breathe. Nods in acceptance.

All lights are on, the room is filled with conversations. Memories of the good adventures return. Every instance they laughed. Every time they won. Every chance that was never regretted. Even the bad memories are spoken of highly.

"This is living, really living life."

Our Scars Will Never Heal

There I was, sitting in the doctors office. Face bruised, the sickening smell of burnt flesh and hair combined with spilled gasoline and alcohol quivering from my very breath. Shards of glass fell out of my hair. My jaw left hurting. The blood gushed from my left bicep from a gash and a superficial burn.

My mind kept rewinding the incident. I keep thinking of my 4 month old car flipped x3 on its hood. Totaled. Driver side door crashed through.

How the hell did I get out of that car? The last thing I remember was the first of many rumbustious flips. 

How the fuck am I alive?

"Do you think you need help?" the doctor asks.

My eyes filled with tears as I broke down. Tears streamed down my face as I look vulnerably at my mother. My sweet, innocent mother, who's only mission in life was to make me happy. I tried to stay "strong."

I tried to stay manly.

I am a disgrace.

"Do you want me to leave the room?" She asks

I nod yes....and the door closes. I lose all composure. I never cried so hard.

Flash forward two months later.

Sitting in a small clearing in the woods. Multiple empty containers of white pills clenched to my left palm. The nauseating taste of broken chalky dust dries my mouth. Gin seeps through my sweat glands. Phone clenched in my right hand. Tears flow down my eyes, I can't catch my breath.

Somebody save me.

Phone calls come in quickly. Screen is shattered into a million pieces and I cannot make out who it is. Headlights flying down the street parking in the my driveway.

I am found. The bottles are ripped from my body. I start sprinting. Barefoot and rocks flying out from under the soles of my feet and tear the skin. I stop, I can die now.

I lay on the dew covered grass on that warm summer night....

What the fuck am I doing?

I break down....I give in. I must get to the hospital.

Charcoal never tasted so good.

I black out right as I see the silhouette of my brother standing over me.

"Everything will be okay man."- He says as a straight shadow.

Awoken in the middle of the night by a terrible smell. Wetness in pants. I literally just defected myself.

My mother sitting the by my side jumps up as the nurse politely says, "No problem lets get you changed."

EKG stickers tagged all on my chest. IV extensively tapped down to my extensively hairy arms.

I lay there vulnerably.

An 18 year-old valedictorian. About to be set free into the land of Ohio State. I had my whole life in front of me. But I know, at that time, there was no turning back.

-----
And here I am today. Ready to take on the world. With the help of my family, friends, and mentors.

.....

Destiny

Shattered into a million little pieces.

 Glimmering mosaic lays on the gritty asphalt.

Crushed.

Demoralization.

Simply, broken.

Reminisces of the past.

Uncertainty of the future.

Disappearing out of existence.

Not remembering what it feels like to be alive.

A step into the world.

One breath, to believe again.

Realization of the present.

Restoration.

Destined to be great. 

The Gee aRe eYe eN Dee

Todays blog is brought to you by the word GRIND.

Allow me to enlighten you. Life is tough. Its a battle. Nothing is fair. It is an uphill, icy slope, that road to success. I am sure you have figured this much out by now. However, have you ever embraced the challenge of life? Isn't that what makes life so enjoyable? Come on, you have to feel it. You have to believe it. Its all about the GRIND.

Now I really don't know where the origin of this saying came from. Nor do I really care. The fact of the matter is it is what keeps us going. Successful people are constantly working on bettering themselves and the people around them. We are put in an amazing situation to work our asses off everyday. What is holding you back? Your complacency? Your inability to commit? Your stable life? It could be a number of things. But think about this; if you consider yourself successful now, after all these years, why stop now? Imagine what you can do in the next 10 years. Now stop imagining it and go do it.

Movie stars, athletes, performance artists, and the alike have one thing in common. They believe that it was God's plan for them to be there. That is typically the first thank-you given out for a major accomplishment.* (Now, I am not a religious guy. However, I do openly accept all religions and backgrounds. I am not one to bash you for what you believe or think. In fact, I will probably support you in what you worship. The thing is, I am a very faithful guy.) Now whether or not God has written a path for these people or not, the thing is the people truly believe it. That is where it begins. With your own belief.

Some people put all this faith in God. Others will put all the faith in themselves (egotistical people typically fall in this category). Now mix that with the hard work, the grind, the battling through tough times, the never giving up. I tell you what, you are making a great receipt for success. Add in the utilization of resources.** Your imagination can take you to the end of the universe.

Now stop imagining it, and go make it happen. Be confident in your journey, I got your back.



*(Now, I am not a religious guy. However, I do openly accept all religions and backgrounds. I am not one to bash you for what you believe or think. In fact, I will probably support you in what you worship. The thing is, I am a very faithful guy.)

**Now this is something I realized can help people tremendously, however people rarely take advantage of them. If there is a workshop on something you want to accomplish or experience, why not spend the time- and usually a small bit of money- to better yourself? It seems stupid to not.
If you are reading this, you have endless amounts of information at the tips of your fingers. At least it will start you in the right direction.

Beautiful Chaos

Life presents opportunities rolled out on in red carpet where life is easy. Bullshit. Life hurls opportunities at you in the form of dark forests, mile high mountains, lakes of fire, and anything else that you wouldn't dare touch. The path isn't easy, it's not fair, and often it seems unfathomable. However, isn't the chaos of life makes the journey so fulfilling? So worth living for?

Take the courage you have and embrace the joyful life of uncertainty. Take the challenge and be passionate. To live any other way is an insult to yourself. We are meant to be adventurous. We are supposed to stick our necks on the line.  Get out there and live. I mean really LIVE.

Your should not be living life in the fear of failure, but the height of success. At every moment of your life you should realize, you are in existence. The thoughts of past mistakes haunt us. Scaring us into not trying something new. Remember that time you asked the pretty girl out? It seemed like she ripped your heart out and destroyed it on the spot. It doesn't matter. Remember the time you tried out for the sports team, but just weren't good enough to make it? It doesn't matter. Remember the time you failed your math test? IT DOESN'T MATTER! You have second chances, you can ask the next one out, you can work on your skills, you can study harder. Even more, experience is the greatest teach because it gives you the test at the beginning and allows you to live the lesson after. The visions of the future should be all the inspiration you need to live for something bigger.

Live your life full of passion. Appreciate the scenery. Take a chance. Tell someone how you feel about them. Do that thing you always wanted to do, but were too scared to do it. Don't allow what others will think of you  bother you. Honestly, most people are too worried thinking about what others are thinking of them. They don't have time to judge you. Don't let failure define you.


Only you define you.

The heights of success transcend any melancholic thoughts your limiting mind presents. 


I share this because I am surrounded by people that are out there. Experiencing life in a way that most would not dare to touch. They are working their asses off day in and day out. They come home with barely enough energy to comprehend what had just happened to them. They close their eyes, only for a moment, and realize they are back to the grind. Not even enough time for a dream to even pass their conscious thinking.

All of this has made me realize several things. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the people that have been placed around me. Furthermore, I am grateful for the challenges life has given me. Through this task at hand, thus far, I have learned much. I am reminded me of the value of a good time. The amount of relaxation inter wound in the mid-day nap. It makes me appreciate a good friend. It adds flavor to a nice ice cold beer. It shows the meaning behind a unconditional laugh. The warmth from a meaningful hug. The passion in a true tear.

Cheers people, live well.

No One's Watching

You are there. Alone. You pass by the simply form of debris. It restlessly on the ground shuttered by the wind. You pass it by. It had no implication in your life. It did not bother you in anyway. I question: why didn't you pick it up and dispose of it properly?

Sure, this is a silly argument. However, those of you that know me understand where I am going. This is a simplified version of what you should do. Its easy and convenient to do the "wrong" thing. We make excuses not to call our aunt or uncle who appreciate our lives. Our lives become encompassed in needless television when we should be studying or reading. Wendy's was on the way home instead of preparing a delicious ground beef burger at home. This is what is silly. Here is something you should try to think about: if you don't want to do it (because its annoying, boring, inconvenient), then you probably SHOULD be doing it.

I am not going to sit here and pretend that I am perfect. I am not trying to be your role model. Often I find myself sitting around thinking about studying. Yet, I fail. My point is though, I am developing self discipline to hopefully do the things that need to be done. That is what you need to begin doing. Self-discipline. Everyday you should find time to do 5 things. Do something physically, monetarily, socially, intellectually, and independently.

Physically- workout, hit the gym, jog, sit-ups, push-ups, even if its just stretching after a tough day, it will be worth it.  Push yourself on days you want . Take it easy when needed. It is important to simultaneously listen to your body and push yourself to the limits. Your mind will open up. You will feel healthier. You will gain confidence.

Monetarily- decide what you need to do with money. Find good ways to invest or save money. Educated yourself on the public economy.

Socially- this may seem easy, but it is also very tricky. You talk with friends often. You converse with co-workers or classmates. Take it one step further. Call someone you haven't spoken to for years. E-mail your aunt or uncle that lives on the other side of the world from you. Step outside your comfort zone and approach a new/interesting person. You never know what people have to offer until you allow them to offer it.

Intellectually- challenge your mind. Read something thought provoking. Do crossword puzzles. Play chess. Our brains are meant to be used. Why not try to get every last minute you can out of it?

Independently- this one is important, and my favorite. Spend time by yourself. Reflect on your day. Write in your journal. Read articles on self improvement. Try to do something amazing. The possibilities are endless. Just spend 30 minutes alone with your thoughts without TV or Music. Just allow yourself to have a self image and realize if you did everything you wanted to do today. It feels amazing.

I promise, if you do these things you will feel great. Everyday will be a complete and full day. If you are willing to take it to the next step: pay it forward. Volunteer somewhere, coach someone, buy a cup of coffee for the person behind you in line. Here is what is amazing. Those people you are helping out, they don't care about any problems in your life. They don't care if you just got laid. They don't care if you are a stand up person or an asshole. They don't care much about the stranger. They do care about the amazing gesture you just provided. You can enlighten someone. You can make their day amazing. Proof:

I was at Kroger before my travels overseas. I saw this lady looking ruffled. She was stressed, upset, and in a rush to get out of the store. It turns out, she was $5 short on her budget. Now added pressure of the embarrassment of not having money and deciding what to put back, she lost it. I saw a tear stream down her face. Before I could even comprehend what was happening, the lady in front of her finishing putting her groceries in her cart pulled out a 5 and handed it to the cashier. The lady that didn't have enough money said in her teary voice. , "Thank you so much. After the day I have had, you just made it amazing." The lender asked for a hug and she was off. To see tears of pain and agony quickly stream to tears of joy is simply amazing. It inspired me.

No one is watching. What do you do? Are you going to pick up that piece of trash, or are you going to go with the convenient route?

Friend or Foe?

It is no hidden fact that our consciousness pushes us forward. I wonder though, what about the subconscious thoughts? Einstein said we only use 10% of our brain. Whether this is true not is not the scope of my blog, however, I'd like to take this one step further. I believe we only use 10% of our consciousness.

We start out as unconscious beings. Well, I did at least. I don't remember my birth, I can barely remember what I had for breakfast last Tuesday- probably oatmeal with blueberries. How is such a primitive part of ourselves become minuscule as we age? We develop self awareness as we grow, mature, develop or whatever you want to call it. Our brains become bigger, our minds become open. We absorb things around us. We learn to talk. Are we active learners then (as in conscious learners)? Psychologists, researchers, and doctors will argue that we learn from trial an error.I understand and respect that many famous psychologists have talked about similar subjects. However, there is no certainty in the unconscious or the subconscious world in a very conscientious world.

I come to you tonight, exhausted. It is a 2 AM on a Thursday morning in Newcastle, England. My days consist of waking up at 7:30 AM, studying until 10 AM, class until 12, break. Classes straight from 1-5 PM. As we exit the fluctuating temperature of the same building we have been in all day we see darkness. Night time fell sometime between the start of Anatomy lecture and the middle or end of biochemistry. Normal people would find this as a full day. I push forward because I am a grinder. I relax briefly then study, workout, and eat for the next 5-6 hours. In bed by 11 out cold by 12. Anyways, I digress.

My point is that type of day should wear anyone out. Yet I stay awake. My mind is going 1,000 mph. I can relay my conscious thoughts out, but more and more thoughts arrive...from where?! There in-lies my story. The subconscious. This guy...he is a tricky one. He is the reason you won't talk to a pretty girl at Starbucks because he will remind you of any failed attempt. He is the one that keeps you up at night, thinking of outrageous things. He is the one that makes your dreams grow bigger and bigger, when in reality you don't live in a fantasy world. Ummm, maybe this guy isn't so evil. . .

He was the one that has helped me make good snap judgement in the past. He works abruptly to help me break my fall when I trip so I don't get hurt. He pulls out information stored in the back of my brain and makes me act on them. When teetering between two ideas, he picks one for me and makes me stick to the choice. He battles my ego to tell me how to be a gentleman. He has allowed me to live an amazing 22 years of life.

I challenge you to become the master of your subconscious. Ask it why you are being pushed one way or another. Try to understand with the morals of lifes' mysterious lessons. Be open minded, be open hearted. Learn to effectively communicate. Yearn to see if all his decisions lead you in the right path. Maybe he teases you about the girl Starbucks because he is challenging yo and wants you to succeed. Maybe he wants you to dream big so you aim high, and not be disappointed when you fall- mainly because he will be there to catch you. Maybe he keeps your up all night because. . .maybe sometimes you need to do something great.