Most people believe living on a Caribbean island should be paradise. As I walk through the so called "paradise", I notice the shattered souls that walk beside.
A young girl, sits at her computer screen, presumably over Skype, complaining about her problems in the middle of a common area. The young, bright girl sits on the dirtied floor yelling into her computer screen. Headphones dangle slightly from her ears as she holds back the tears. Her beauty is covered be a look of constant disarray. She is asking "What is so good about my life right now?" She sits there in silence with a clenched jaw, trying to avoid eye contact with whomever she is speaking with from the digital connection across the world. The pure frustration in her look is disheartening. At that moment, she is broken.
A young man, surrounded by people typing on his computer the hardships that have come forth at him. My confident, vibrant, and eccentric peer, whom I have exchanged laughs with in the past, is noticeably shaky. The acquaintance stands there mumbling words to his friend across the way. He finally sits and looks in physical and mental stress. Pure agony as he can't sit still from his mental turmoil. He begins to open his books and begins typing. Striking the keys rapidly and full of force. A quick glance at the screen and words of "I am at my breaking point." "I am so f#%#@ pissed off right now." "I don't know what to do." pop up. I knew it wasn't right to keep reading so I got back to my work. At that moment, he is broken.
Its tough to see people that you feel are confident and have everything together to go through such a breaking point. Makes you realize that everyone has theirs, eventually, whether you see it or not. Most people probably hide it away from the general public. Many big egos will deny it at all costs. If the stress of school isn't what gets to them, then it is something else; tests, social life, fitness, diet, relationships, and so forth.
I wish I could have done something about it.
Just wanted to remind everyone that this task we are set on is tough for everyone. We aren't the first people to have to go through this, we won't be the last.. When you do eventually break, trust your family and your friends will be there to help you rebuild. Remember to pay it forward, you never know what kind of battle someone is going through, so be kinder than necessary.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
We Never Have a Clue
(Somewhat inebriated, the smell of cigarettes drenched from one as the other stood there staring off in the distance in a silence. Silent for no other reason, than just to be silent. The smoker throws his arm around his peer, his friend and confidently states:)
-You know what I like about you? You wear your heart on your sleeve. You say 'screw everyone else', you are true. There are not a lot of people in this world like you. I respect that.
(The tight lipped individual nods in appreciation. He thinks to himself and carefully chooses his words)
"That's life though man. . .Its emotional. You can't live life without emotions. All of them. The tears, the hatred, the burning in soul they all make the other ones feel that much better. The serenity, the peacefulness, the love, the joy the ones that make life really worth living."
-Yeah man, I feel ya. I just don't understand though. It's admirable, but kind of annoying at times too.
"I know what you are saying. But why should I let society tell me that I have to be tough all the time, and not show emotions? Yet everyone else is allowed to do what they want. Doesn't make sense to me. Plus, trying to remain in happiness when you feel like you have nothing left to give.....its an interestingly fun battle."
-Interesting. Though, I have seen you pretty pissed off before. That was someone no one wants to be around. However your people keep coming back.
"I know its weird. I always make sure I apologize if I go out of line. They know I am not trying to hurt them. They know I am a good person at the end of it all. We all do bad things, that doesn't make us bad people. Just a lapse in our moral and otherwise structured life."
-Yeah. Morals are important. However we tend to put morals off to do what makes us happy. Kinda like making us bad people.
"I agree. Morals though, are nothing more than what we make them. My morals slightly differ from yours and his and hers. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a better person in my opinion. If you feel guilty for not following your morals, and what is right, then at least you are learning. We need to learn in life. Learn, evolve, adapt and move forward. Make the next moment in life better than the moment that we are currently living. For ourselves and those around us."
-Word.
"I guess all in all, we just have to try to be the best people we can be everyday. Put in the time and effort needed to get accomplished what we need to get accomplished. And always, always pay it forward."
-I like that.
(They push off the wall they were leaning against. Tap out the cigarette and the conversation simmers down.)
"I don't know bro, I guess I always wonder if I am a good person because I want to do good things and be respectful, and what not. Or if I am a good person because I have the desire to be a good person."
I wonder that shit too man. . .who knows, lets get a beer.
-You know what I like about you? You wear your heart on your sleeve. You say 'screw everyone else', you are true. There are not a lot of people in this world like you. I respect that.
(The tight lipped individual nods in appreciation. He thinks to himself and carefully chooses his words)
"That's life though man. . .Its emotional. You can't live life without emotions. All of them. The tears, the hatred, the burning in soul they all make the other ones feel that much better. The serenity, the peacefulness, the love, the joy the ones that make life really worth living."
-Yeah man, I feel ya. I just don't understand though. It's admirable, but kind of annoying at times too.
"I know what you are saying. But why should I let society tell me that I have to be tough all the time, and not show emotions? Yet everyone else is allowed to do what they want. Doesn't make sense to me. Plus, trying to remain in happiness when you feel like you have nothing left to give.....its an interestingly fun battle."
-Interesting. Though, I have seen you pretty pissed off before. That was someone no one wants to be around. However your people keep coming back.
"I know its weird. I always make sure I apologize if I go out of line. They know I am not trying to hurt them. They know I am a good person at the end of it all. We all do bad things, that doesn't make us bad people. Just a lapse in our moral and otherwise structured life."
-Yeah. Morals are important. However we tend to put morals off to do what makes us happy. Kinda like making us bad people.
"I agree. Morals though, are nothing more than what we make them. My morals slightly differ from yours and his and hers. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a better person in my opinion. If you feel guilty for not following your morals, and what is right, then at least you are learning. We need to learn in life. Learn, evolve, adapt and move forward. Make the next moment in life better than the moment that we are currently living. For ourselves and those around us."
-Word.
"I guess all in all, we just have to try to be the best people we can be everyday. Put in the time and effort needed to get accomplished what we need to get accomplished. And always, always pay it forward."
-I like that.
(They push off the wall they were leaning against. Tap out the cigarette and the conversation simmers down.)
"I don't know bro, I guess I always wonder if I am a good person because I want to do good things and be respectful, and what not. Or if I am a good person because I have the desire to be a good person."
I wonder that shit too man. . .who knows, lets get a beer.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Gameday
7:30 AM, the cell phone buzzes as you roll out of bed. A pulsating headache from a bit too many cocktails from the evening prior. Stale breathe fills your cotton mouth as you search for your glass of water. Laying in bed unthrilled, but only for a moment. Staring up at the ceiling asking "Why the fuck am I awake?"
Then with a sudden urge of energy it enlivens you. A thrilling, invigorating memory that it is Saturday. Not just any Saturday, but a fall Saturday....Saturday cannot even describe....It is GAMEDAY!
You quickly jump out of bed and prepare for a glorious day ahead. Text messages are flying out and coming in. Wake up calls, agendas, hearty O-H's, and the like.
You look outside to the crystal clear blue skies, illuminated by the autumn sun. Foliage covers the ground, the air is crisp and chilled . A full breath allows the smell of the best season to electrifies your lungs. The taste of a ice cold Bud Light makes your cringe in an ironically satisfying way.
Streets are littered with beer cans and red Solo cups from the night before. The sidewalks are flooded with brightly scarlet colored gear. Passing by the occasional awkward "walk of shame" victim. People hanging out on the porches playing drink games, listening to music, partying, and forgetting life's problems for a day.
You walk in a near sprint to your destination. You arrive in the pavement paradise. High fives to all the gentlemen standing, debating and predicting the outcome of the centerpiece, the reason we are all there. Heart-filled hugs to the ladies who's bright faces are warming and comforting to be around. These are your people, your family for the next 12 weeks.
Pit stop at the ice chest filled with the adult sodas. Skedaddle to the smorgasbord. Never knew a bratwurst could taste so good at 9 AM. A million laughs, emotions, events, noises, and the like are whizzing by you even faster than you can process.
The flood gates rush us into the stadium. A sea of scarlet is waved around in cathedral-like establishment. The roar of the stadium as our saviors rush onto the field. The energy, the feeling, the atmosphere is indescribable for all. One can only take it all in and admire life at it's finest. The eruption of cheers is unfathomable to any explosion you have ever witnessed. The crowd jumps as the chord strikes over the stadium speakers and the bell rings with it's five second intervals. Hugs and high fives spread like wildfire over each and every joyous moment.
At the decision, we throw our tired arms over each other's shoulders.
How firm thy friendship O-HI-O
An electrifying feeling pulsates through every nerve in your body...this is euphoria.
Transit to the watering hole. Friends, acquaintances and newly met people all shuffle around as you grasp the bottle of beer in your hand. Smiles are wide on everyone's face as we watch the games on TV and the sunset falls before our eyes.
Intoxicated and on one of life's greatest highs.
HOW FIRM THY FRIENDSHIP O-HI-O. . .
Then with a sudden urge of energy it enlivens you. A thrilling, invigorating memory that it is Saturday. Not just any Saturday, but a fall Saturday....Saturday cannot even describe....It is GAMEDAY!
You quickly jump out of bed and prepare for a glorious day ahead. Text messages are flying out and coming in. Wake up calls, agendas, hearty O-H's, and the like.
You look outside to the crystal clear blue skies, illuminated by the autumn sun. Foliage covers the ground, the air is crisp and chilled . A full breath allows the smell of the best season to electrifies your lungs. The taste of a ice cold Bud Light makes your cringe in an ironically satisfying way.
Streets are littered with beer cans and red Solo cups from the night before. The sidewalks are flooded with brightly scarlet colored gear. Passing by the occasional awkward "walk of shame" victim. People hanging out on the porches playing drink games, listening to music, partying, and forgetting life's problems for a day.
You walk in a near sprint to your destination. You arrive in the pavement paradise. High fives to all the gentlemen standing, debating and predicting the outcome of the centerpiece, the reason we are all there. Heart-filled hugs to the ladies who's bright faces are warming and comforting to be around. These are your people, your family for the next 12 weeks.
Pit stop at the ice chest filled with the adult sodas. Skedaddle to the smorgasbord. Never knew a bratwurst could taste so good at 9 AM. A million laughs, emotions, events, noises, and the like are whizzing by you even faster than you can process.
The flood gates rush us into the stadium. A sea of scarlet is waved around in cathedral-like establishment. The roar of the stadium as our saviors rush onto the field. The energy, the feeling, the atmosphere is indescribable for all. One can only take it all in and admire life at it's finest. The eruption of cheers is unfathomable to any explosion you have ever witnessed. The crowd jumps as the chord strikes over the stadium speakers and the bell rings with it's five second intervals. Hugs and high fives spread like wildfire over each and every joyous moment.
At the decision, we throw our tired arms over each other's shoulders.
How firm thy friendship O-HI-O
An electrifying feeling pulsates through every nerve in your body...this is euphoria.
Transit to the watering hole. Friends, acquaintances and newly met people all shuffle around as you grasp the bottle of beer in your hand. Smiles are wide on everyone's face as we watch the games on TV and the sunset falls before our eyes.
Intoxicated and on one of life's greatest highs.
HOW FIRM THY FRIENDSHIP O-HI-O. . .
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Time Is Relative
A clenched jawed. A frustration. My stomach churning. Moist eyes followed by a breakdown. Flared nostrils. A big swallow of the tears in the throat.
Eyes closed tight. Shake of the head. Nibble on the bottom lip.
Life ripped away. No one feels at ease. The uncomfortable conversations arise.
Eyes closed tight. Shake of the head. Nibble on the bottom lip.
Life ripped away. No one feels at ease. The uncomfortable conversations arise.
They say it should not be a day of mourning, but a day celebrating a life. Alas, it comes too soon.
The melancholy days are suffered under a pseudo-happy illumination of the sun. Our hopes and aspirations are dismayed for what we wish was only temporarily.
What has society just placed upon me?
Is this fair? Is this right? Is this real life?
Too young to see our peers dressed in all black. Too naive to understand it all.
Countless night up in bed. Staring at the ceiling. Staring at the stars. No words to be spoken. Trying to comprehend it all.
This isn't fucking fair. No one in my life should have to suffer like this. I would rather take the pain and misery of all my friends for the rest of my life than to see this occur.
I break inside. I want to help. I know its too much.
When will things like this be less painful?
-To all of those that have died too young in your pure, young months. . .your legacy lives on and you are always apart of my life. Thanks for saving me when I needed you the most, it is my turn to return the favor.
The melancholy days are suffered under a pseudo-happy illumination of the sun. Our hopes and aspirations are dismayed for what we wish was only temporarily.
What has society just placed upon me?
Is this fair? Is this right? Is this real life?
Too young to see our peers dressed in all black. Too naive to understand it all.
Countless night up in bed. Staring at the ceiling. Staring at the stars. No words to be spoken. Trying to comprehend it all.
This isn't fucking fair. No one in my life should have to suffer like this. I would rather take the pain and misery of all my friends for the rest of my life than to see this occur.
I break inside. I want to help. I know its too much.
When will things like this be less painful?
-To all of those that have died too young in your pure, young months. . .your legacy lives on and you are always apart of my life. Thanks for saving me when I needed you the most, it is my turn to return the favor.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Collided
Collided when least expecting. The magnitude of fuck-ups was dismantling. She stood there without judgment. For no reason other than curiosity she played along. Who is he? She continued to listen to self-involved stories and one way conversations. The world went by in slow motion as they peered down the riverside. Trying to be amazing to her, trying too hard.
She willed her soul, her unconditional heart. Her body feels safe and secure in his scarred arms. Her soft hands hold onto his calloused digits in ease. Her sparkling eyes stare deeply interested into his tired, beaten eyes. Her illuminating smile glares over his dark, hidden face.
Embrace, followed by a kiss. She laid there in his arms. His mind flew by. Unedited internal monologue. Self proclamation of inadequacy. His insecurities flow out unfiltered. He wants to stop to stay charming….he can’t.
She reassured with a vindicated mind. She stayed captivated. Motivated. She knows he is different. She sees something in him. A unique stone on the side of the road. The one often passed by with nothing more than a glimpse. She took the time to stop and pick it up.
She intrigues, yet stays aloof. Not defining a stance on either side of the wall. Staying indifferent to his world. Staying as the queen of her own. With an open heart and a filled mind she is ready to embrace the world that is out there.
Mysterious and confident. Warm hearted and filled. She lives a life that people desire. Even though she lives in world surround with terribleness and glory she stays level headed. Not quick to judge. Always fairly assessing. The deep ties lays within her family. She was bounced from place to place. Not only leaving her mark, but taking hearts with her. Instills their minds with greatness. Friends, acquaintances, people, and experiences. A woman of the world.
In a world when most never look back, she always gives back. The amber energy radiates around. Dulling everything in the background. A lover, a realist. An adventurer, an amazing person.
She intrigues, yet stays aloof. Not defining a stance on either side of the wall. Staying indifferent to his world. Staying as the queen of her own. With an open heart and a filled mind she is ready to embrace the world that is out there.
Mysterious and confident. Warm hearted and filled. She lives a life that people desire. Even though she lives in world surround with terribleness and glory she stays level headed. Not quick to judge. Always fairly assessing. The deep ties lays within her family. She was bounced from place to place. Not only leaving her mark, but taking hearts with her. Instills their minds with greatness. Friends, acquaintances, people, and experiences. A woman of the world.
In a world when most never look back, she always gives back. The amber energy radiates around. Dulling everything in the background. A lover, a realist. An adventurer, an amazing person.
She lies there vulnerably. Eyes closed. Watching her life unfold ahead, but not jumping to the finish line.
Among a sea of over glorified, over worked, tainted diamonds, she is the pure rare gem. One that will remain forever priceless.
Friday, April 22, 2011
My friends, My family, My people.
The dark rings circle around your head. You are lost in oblivion. Sitting infront of the black screen. Internal monologue playing the broken recorded messages. They make your stomach ache. The presences of a dark cloud settles over your life.
The people refuse to let you get down.
Tears stream down your face. So choked up on emotions you cannot speak. All that comes out are gasps for air as if you were drowning.
They stand over you, and pick you up.
Your heart is crushed heart as you give up on the goodness of man. You shake your head, trying to comprehend why this always happens to you.
They sit there and explain the world to you.
Thin, brightly red fluid warmly flows over your face. You duck your head in despair. It drips and pools awkwardly at your feet.
They clean you up, hold you close, tell you that everything will be okay.
The people refuse to let you get down.
Tears stream down your face. So choked up on emotions you cannot speak. All that comes out are gasps for air as if you were drowning.
They stand over you, and pick you up.
Your heart is crushed heart as you give up on the goodness of man. You shake your head, trying to comprehend why this always happens to you.
They sit there and explain the world to you.
Thin, brightly red fluid warmly flows over your face. You duck your head in despair. It drips and pools awkwardly at your feet.
They clean you up, hold you close, tell you that everything will be okay.
Cold steel bracelets wrapped your wrists. You get pushed into the back seat. You feel your life is over.
The people surround you and don't give up on you.
You lay in the hospital bed, destroyed. Not sure if you will wake to see the morning light. Hemi-dazed flashes of your surroundings cross your mind. You don't know if it is reality or a dream.
There they were, not allowing you to give up on yourself.
The people surround you and don't give up on you.
You lay in the hospital bed, destroyed. Not sure if you will wake to see the morning light. Hemi-dazed flashes of your surroundings cross your mind. You don't know if it is reality or a dream.
There they were, not allowing you to give up on yourself.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Life
Pre-living:
He searches for the answer at the bottom of the bottle. It lost taste hours ago. The last bitter sip makes his face cringe. Lo and behold, there is no message in this one. The emptiness resembles the internalized feeling. Self monologue repeats in his cynical mind. Constantly checking his watch, damn, time to go.
Walking home alone with the street lights blaring down. Passing parties where he hears laughter interwoven in the drunk college kids singing to an acoustic guitar. He feels a piece of himself eating away at his sanity. Clinches his phone hoping to be surprised by an unfamiliar vibration. It never comes.
Unlocks his door to an apartment, emptiness. He rips off the shirt and throws it forcefully to the ground, frustration. He ruffles his hair, hopelessness. He stares at his shattered soul in the mirror, resentfulness.
His blood shot eyes, magnified under the liquid tears, stare back at him. Running water splashes on his calloused hands. Just breathe. He throws the water upon his battered face. Criticizes himself.
Sits with the artificial light illuminating the dark room. Memories flow into his mind. Every instance where he messed up. Every time the world spit him out. Every chance he had that he threw away.
"What the fuck is wrong with me?"
Living:
The cool, bubbliness of the liquid tickles his throat. It inspires his taste buds. The sips flow down magically. The warmth of the fire pits blares on his exposed skin. He smiles and doesn't even know why. Caught up in conversations about nothingness he loses track of time. n. He is tapped on the shoulder. Time to go.
Inhaling fully, the fresh air is a blessing to his lungs. The joyful chatter rings in his ear drums as he bobs his head to the beat. Taps his foot in unrhythmically. He doesn't care. The breeze of the chilled summer air flows on top of his buzzed head. He smiles. The walk is interlaced with life long friends and the new found people in his life.
They stumble through the door, joyfulness. Rips of his shirt, eagerness. Runs his hand over his head, enlightenment. He takes a glance at himself in the mirror, humbly laughs.
Crows feet wrinkles fill his hearty smile. The running water reminds him of the flow of life. The splash of cool water makes him feel alive. A deep breathe. Nods in acceptance.
All lights are on, the room is filled with conversations. Memories of the good adventures return. Every instance they laughed. Every time they won. Every chance that was never regretted. Even the bad memories are spoken of highly.
"This is living, really living life."
He searches for the answer at the bottom of the bottle. It lost taste hours ago. The last bitter sip makes his face cringe. Lo and behold, there is no message in this one. The emptiness resembles the internalized feeling. Self monologue repeats in his cynical mind. Constantly checking his watch, damn, time to go.
Walking home alone with the street lights blaring down. Passing parties where he hears laughter interwoven in the drunk college kids singing to an acoustic guitar. He feels a piece of himself eating away at his sanity. Clinches his phone hoping to be surprised by an unfamiliar vibration. It never comes.
Unlocks his door to an apartment, emptiness. He rips off the shirt and throws it forcefully to the ground, frustration. He ruffles his hair, hopelessness. He stares at his shattered soul in the mirror, resentfulness.
His blood shot eyes, magnified under the liquid tears, stare back at him. Running water splashes on his calloused hands. Just breathe. He throws the water upon his battered face. Criticizes himself.
Sits with the artificial light illuminating the dark room. Memories flow into his mind. Every instance where he messed up. Every time the world spit him out. Every chance he had that he threw away.
"What the fuck is wrong with me?"
Living:
The cool, bubbliness of the liquid tickles his throat. It inspires his taste buds. The sips flow down magically. The warmth of the fire pits blares on his exposed skin. He smiles and doesn't even know why. Caught up in conversations about nothingness he loses track of time. n. He is tapped on the shoulder. Time to go.
Inhaling fully, the fresh air is a blessing to his lungs. The joyful chatter rings in his ear drums as he bobs his head to the beat. Taps his foot in unrhythmically. He doesn't care. The breeze of the chilled summer air flows on top of his buzzed head. He smiles. The walk is interlaced with life long friends and the new found people in his life.
They stumble through the door, joyfulness. Rips of his shirt, eagerness. Runs his hand over his head, enlightenment. He takes a glance at himself in the mirror, humbly laughs.
Crows feet wrinkles fill his hearty smile. The running water reminds him of the flow of life. The splash of cool water makes him feel alive. A deep breathe. Nods in acceptance.
All lights are on, the room is filled with conversations. Memories of the good adventures return. Every instance they laughed. Every time they won. Every chance that was never regretted. Even the bad memories are spoken of highly.
"This is living, really living life."
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